The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

The theme for our family gift giving this year is Medicine Bags. Grace , Sam and I will be putting together special Medicine Bags for those we love this year.

I have found that by simplifying our Christmas and giving a small token that is filled with love and positive intention has really changed my attitude about Christmas.

I grew up a Jehovah's Witness and as such, did not celebrate holidays until we left the religion when I was around 13 years old. As a result, I have never really enjoyed Christmas because it is a lot of work. I always thought, that if you had Christmas as a child, you wouldn't mind the work because you would have all these fond memories that you would want to pass down to your kids and it would somehow all be worth it. Since I never had Christmas, it was just a heck of a lot of work that I had no desire to do.

I was a Scrooge.

Until last year.

Last year, since money was tight, I declared it an Organic Christmas. Meaning, Grace and I baked all of our family gifts. Ted and I bought gifts for our kids, but we baked for everyone else.

Grace and I had somuch fun planning our cookies and treats and finding cute containers. I really enjoyed myself and made some new very special holiday memories.

This year, we are continuing with our tradition of a themed Christmas.

Medicine Bags.

I have already bought some stones and holy wood. Now Grace and I have to go about setting our intentions in the stones and finding cute bags for them.

We have already planned to put up our tree on Thanksgiving after dinner with the family. I have a special friend (LOL) coming over for Thanksgiving and he has graciously agreed to help us put up our tree. Currently, my friend is a Scrooge. I am hoping that this year we can create some new special holiday memories for him. And next year, he will be filled with the Christmas Spirit as much as I am.

The kids and I are looking forward to decorating "Santa" (Sam's name for our Christmas Tree) and this weekend I am treating the kids to each picking out a new ornament for "Santa".

I hope you all are enjoying this season of love and giving thanks as much as I am.

Full of Blessings,

Gabbi

Healing

In the last few weeks, I have felt a shift in my life. A shift towards healing. Healing from old, long buried hurts. Healing from hurts that come when I am not sure what my role should be, and as a result, take on to much or not enough responsibility.

Two nights ago, I had a dream that was so vivid and real, but I only remember one small fragment.

I hugged my dad.

I remember not really seeing his face, but seeing his arms reach out and wrap around me. I can feel the shirt he was wearing against my cheek, the fabric, a soft denim, and the way it folded in on itself while he hugged me, I felt his arms tightly wrapped around me.

For me, it felt like a letting go, and an accepting of things as they are. I felt resolved.

The burdens had been lifted, the kinks had worked themselves out and I can be free.

I woke up feeling like this was much more than just a dream. That the dream was symbolic of things that maybe aren't physically happening, but of things that are happening in my heart and my soul.

The little girl who is still in me, has some peace, feels loved and not forgotten.

The word that keeps coming to my mind is: Resolution.

Things are all falling into place. I feel safe. No matter what happens, I am ok and just where I am supposed to be.

Along with this feeling of resolution comes a finding of my own place in the grand order of my life.

I am noticing patterns in my life. Patterns of people reaching out to me, and not so much for help, but more of a way to draw me in to their own chaos.

Chaos is not how I want to live. I want peace and joy and happiness. I no longer need chaos to fuel me. Living with alcoholism is all chaos, all the time. I still have addicts in my life, but I have learned to let go. I have learned to pray for them, and that is enough. I do not need to fix things for other people. We all need to be allowed the dignity to live our own lives, to learn from our own mistakes and feel the triumph of figuring things out for ourselves.

"I am sorry that has happened to you."

That is powerful medicine. And it is enough.

Medicine Woman,

Gabbi

New Challenges

In beginning a new relationship, I am learning a lot about myself and the harmful habits and patterns I have adopted into my life.

Feelings are very difficult for me to express. In my past experience, to state a need was a guarantee that I was not going to have my need met. As such, I have adopted manipulative ways of getting what I need. More accurately, what I THINK I need.

As a result, even when I get what I think I need, it has not been fulfilling because I was using manipulative techniques to get my needs met. Leaving me feeling unfulfilled and less than worthy of the things I need because I had to covertly go about getting whatever it was I wanted/needed.

Growth has come to me by even recognizing this in myself pattern, and I am thankful to be recognizing it.

Trying to overcome this pattern has been so difficult. Telling people what I need and asking for what I need is fricking scary as hell. As soon as I state my need, I am immediately convinced the relationship is over. Deep seated fears of not being good enough or worthy are my monsters. They eat me alive from the inside out.

Trying to fight these monsters is tough and I am floundering a bit, not quite sure how to do it. But I will continue to do so.

My plan is this:

1. State my need
2. Be open to receiving what I need
3. Be ready to accept whatever the answer may be
4. Be willing to re-evaluate my needs and my relationships

Oddly enough, I am getting some encouragement from a person I never would have dreamed could offer me any kind of emotional assistance. But God has a funny way of helping us out when we need it and giving us guidance and direction from where we least expect it. I am staying open and accepting this person as they are RIGHT NOW, and not from the villified role they have played in my past.

Do we see a theme here? A theme of letting go? LETTING GO OF CRAP THAT NO LONGER SERVES ME!

Hmmm, maybe that is my first step, letting go of the mindsets that no longer serve. Especially the little voices that tell me I am bad and wrong and unworthy and unloveable.

Fuck those voices.

Ooh, that felt good.

FUCK THEM,

Gabbi

Beautiful Weekend

What an amazing weekend.

Friday night I went to the coffee shop, Earth Angels 321 2nd Street, River Falls, WI. Saw some live music. Randy Burger performed his local favorite "Crusty Old Fart". Good humor...LOL

Saturday Sam and I went to the Childrens Museum and had so much fun! I let him explore and play and thoroughly enjoyed our time together while Grace was out of town. It is such a blessing to wake up to little Sam every morning and hearing his sweet voice. Watching him examine the exhibits at the Museum and knowing his little brain is working to figure things out, you can almost see the thought process on his face. Then BAM! He gets it and digs in and plays and figures out new ways to play. After a few hours he was all worn out and we headed home. Sam was disappointed we were leaving and said "Mom, we are not SERIOUSLY going home?" HA HA HA this is what happens when you have an 11 year old daughter and a 2 year old son.

I made it to church and it was perfect. Life affirming and amazing.

Sunday my honey came over, after two weeks of not being able to work out schedules and being out of town! He came to girls day at my sisters coffee shop. Poor guy, total estrogen overload. He handled it well, stayed out of the way of the ladies and worked on his laptop, smart man.

He and I took Sam and Sam's friend Dawson for a walk by the water. There is a beautiful path in River Falls next to a body of water, not sure what the name was, maybe the Kinnickinnic River(?). Will look into that. Either way, the boys loved pulling the wagon and seeing the geese and ducks.

Afterwards, we got home and Miss Grace was finally home! I missed that girl! The man had brought her a military jacket and she was in Heaven. Sam had gotten an army hat and mama got a new trunk! LOL As my friend Kim would say, I am a Trunkie Junkie!

I slept pretty good, only one bad dream, which is definitely an improvement!

I am ready for an amazing week.

Blessings,

Gabbi

God Space

Haven't had to much to say as of late. Been working on keeping a semblance of a routine at home. That has been good for me and for the kids.

Sunday has been designated as our stay at home as much as possible day. I call it Sacred Sunday. Cleaning and cooking and baking with the kids fills up the day pretty quickly. It also helps my week to feel a little more organized and less frantic.

Been trying to take things in life as they come, speak my truth, even when it is hard.

Have noticed that it is really hard for me to voice my feelings, especially when it is something that upsets me or makes me feel sad. Almost as though I don't feel as if I have a right to have feelings. I am working on that, praying about it and trying to be honest with others.

Loneliness has been an issue for me lately. Once the kids are in bed, and I am all alone, it hits me. During the day, I can fill it up with all kinds of things and people and mish mash, but before bed, when I am alone and quiet, that is hard. I miss having a partner. Someone to lay in bed with and talk about the days events. Just another body, some weight in the bed. I tend to overcompensate with pillows and blankies in my bed, it is getting a little ridiculous. What started out as a cuddle pillow, has become a mountain. The sadness hits me hard then. I pray a lot during that time, and usually let out some of the tears. Been missing something, not sure what, just some connection....so....

This weekend it is my goal to go to church. And this is why:

For awhile now, staying asleep at night has been very difficult for me. Come 2:30-3:00 am, I am awake and tossing and turning. Met a woman at my sisters coffee shop, who happened to mention she had that problem, and said she knew that it was because her angels were trying to tell her something but she wasn't hearing their message. So, to alleviate that she asked her angels to please try to contact her during the day, because she wanted their guidance, but really needed her sleep.

huh.

So, Tuesday night when I went to bed, I said a little prayer asking for guidance, but that if they could make it during the day, that would be great. I slept awesome! No waking up, no tossing and turning.

Wednesday, no message. So, I said the prayer again, but was up a couple of times during the night.

Thursday morning, I said my prayer again.

Mid morning on Thursday, I get a call out of the blue on my cell phone from Grace's friends mom. The mom who initially introduced me to my church. I haven't spoken toher more than just a wave Hi, since Ted moved out. She said she has missed me at church, and that the pastor has asked about me a few times.

Right away I knew, this was a call from my angels. I need to get back to church, go center myself and get my God fill. I hung up the phone, and told God, see you Saturday! LOL

I pray regularly, but it is also good to have a PLACE of faith. A physical place to go, that when you walk in your feel the presence of God in the space and in the people around you. I need that. I need to be in a God Space.

Finding my place,

Gabbi

Hearts Desire

This is the Red Trunk that has transformed my crappy attitude about my house, into a sparkly, loving awesome HOME!

Recently, my contentedness had waned. I was feeling very restless, not wanting to be home and feeling displaced.

So, I made some decisions, with the help of some lovely advice from my mama and a good friend.

1. I will eat dinner at my moms house during the week with my kids. And not feel guilty or rushed or bad about eating at my moms. As mama says, I work to late to be trying to feed my kids during the week and since she lives alone, it helps her too. Love her!

2. If I take advantage of not eating dinner at home, my house will stay cleaner...bonus!

3. On the weekends I can indulge my domestic Goddess and have deemed that 2 GOOD meals a weekend is just right for our family.

4. I posted a calendar on my kitchen fridge to try to keep better track of our crazy lives. And so far, I have even wrote stuff on it! LOL

This weekend, I did a 5K. Bought my gorgeous red trunk, brought it home, rearranged and cleaned my living room. I also got a super cool green trunk from my friend Kim, and put an antique metal basin bowl on top of it and threw in 2 cute rag strip balls that I bought at the antique store...ADORABLE!

I made my kids a big breakfast on Sunday, cleaned up the kitchen did some laundry. Grace went through our shoes, sorted and got rid of..WOW! My honey came over and we went to the Antique Store (yep, that's where I got the rag strip balls), made a yummy late lunch/dinner, the kids and I made chocolate chip cookies, cleaned up dinner, got my toilet seat put in, watched a movie and all in all, had a great weekend.

After focusing on my home and family I feel so much more centered and less 'flying by the seat of my pants'.

I am kind of proud because I reduced my Netflix movie thing so it is cheaper, in order to be able to contribute to Minnesota Public Radio. Made me feel very Ma-tour...LOL

So Growed up,

Gabbi

Crazy kiddos

The other morning, I am getting dressed and hear Grace scream from the bathroom. I hustle in there and our wooden toilet seat is half on the toilet, and the other half is...across the floor. A stunned Grace is standing there, and proclaims "It pinched my buns!"

Needless to say, we bought a new toilet seat, and my honey was kind enough to install it for me. Seriously, things must be going pretty well if you can get your honey to install a toilet seat...ewww. I mean, it was clean and all, but still...ewwww.

He let Sam help him install it. During the more delicate portions of the installation process, Sam did tattle, and said "Hey, he's not sharing his tools!"

But, this morning, Sam comes in the bathroom and says "Look at that nice toilet. It is so beautiful."

This is a man who takes pride in his work....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am not sure what was going on, but my Sam WOULD NOT nap this weekend. Believe me, he needed a nap. By dinner on Sunday, he was just plain old defiant. We got into a standoff over dinner. Sam says "I don't like this dinner." He then tried to stare me down, while growling at me.

Ummm, I don't think so. I told him it would be sad (Hi Denai) if he didn't eat his dinner, because then he wouldn't be able to have any of the chocolate chip cookies we made. He didn't care, more staring and growling, and finally a time out. An extended time out.

He didn't get to have any cookies, and he would ask for one, and I would say no. Sam would look at me and say "What did I do? I'm not screaming or spitting"

Yes, screaming and spitting, this is what I deal with...sigh.

I said "I know, you are being a good boy, and I love that, BUT, you didn't eat dinner, so no cookies."

Later on, The Man was eating a cookie and kindly gave Sam a little piece of cookie. I said to Sam, "You are very lucky, what do you say?"

Sam very earnestly says "I need a bigger piece."

I need a bigger piece too,

Gabbi

Time of year

There is something about this time of year that makes me want to:

create a big messy collage (DID IT)

kiss my kids (DID IT)

rake leaves (in theory)

Jump in leaves (That would require raking leaves in more than just theory)

wrap my kids up in homemade multi-colored scarves (I can't knit, but I can thrift store it...hmmmm)

go for a walk with at least one child in a wagon (Need a wagon; I can work on that)

eat a caramel apple (mmmm, I had an apple, halfway there)

buy pumpkins (gotta do that!)

hang a scarecrow on my house (DID IT!)

make soup (again, probably tastes better in theory)

build a fire in the fireplace (DID IT, will continue to do it)

buy a large steamer trunk for my living room (GONNA DO IT!)

burn smelly candles and incense (DO IT ALL THE TIME)

read Halloween books with my kids (DO IT, AND THINK IT IS FUNNY/SAD WHEN SAM GETS SCARED)

Ahhh, FALL!

Gabbi

Man of the House

Blow drying my hair this morning, Sam charges into the bathroom

Sam: Mom! I need to show you something. Come on, (hand motioning me to follow him) show me.

Me: Ok, Bud, wht do you have to show me?

Sam: Mom! There is a big spider in your room.

Me: OOOO! I better come see.

In my bedroom is a large green rug (Thanks MOM!) and there is a balled up piece of black string on the edge of the rug. This is what Sam is insisting is a spider.

Sam: SEE! A big spider.

Me: Ummm, I don't think that is a spider, I think it is a string.

Sam, squatting in front of the rug: Noooo (in his most condescending voice), it's a spider.

Me: Ok, why don't you touch it?

Sam, jumping up, with fingers on both hands splayed wildly: BUT THERE IS CREEPY STUFF ON THERE!

Me, laughing: Ok, ok, don't touch it.

Sam: How 'bout we get a paper towel and I will pick it up.

Me: Sure.

I handed Sam the paper towel and he tries repeatedly to pick it up. Thus leading me to further believe this is just a crumpled up string.

Sam (after accidentally touching the spider/string: EWWWWW! I got poop on me!

Me: HA HA HA HA, it is not poop!

Sam finally gets it up and hands me the paper towel. I look at the spider/string, and lo and behold it is.....


A BIG HUGE CRUMPLED UP SPIDER!!!!


EWWWWW!

Even dead it was scary and creepy.

Flushed that bad boy down the toilet.

I am so thankful for my little Man of the House!

Glad someone isn't afraid to pick up a spider,

Gabbi