New Challenges

In beginning a new relationship, I am learning a lot about myself and the harmful habits and patterns I have adopted into my life.

Feelings are very difficult for me to express. In my past experience, to state a need was a guarantee that I was not going to have my need met. As such, I have adopted manipulative ways of getting what I need. More accurately, what I THINK I need.

As a result, even when I get what I think I need, it has not been fulfilling because I was using manipulative techniques to get my needs met. Leaving me feeling unfulfilled and less than worthy of the things I need because I had to covertly go about getting whatever it was I wanted/needed.

Growth has come to me by even recognizing this in myself pattern, and I am thankful to be recognizing it.

Trying to overcome this pattern has been so difficult. Telling people what I need and asking for what I need is fricking scary as hell. As soon as I state my need, I am immediately convinced the relationship is over. Deep seated fears of not being good enough or worthy are my monsters. They eat me alive from the inside out.

Trying to fight these monsters is tough and I am floundering a bit, not quite sure how to do it. But I will continue to do so.

My plan is this:

1. State my need
2. Be open to receiving what I need
3. Be ready to accept whatever the answer may be
4. Be willing to re-evaluate my needs and my relationships

Oddly enough, I am getting some encouragement from a person I never would have dreamed could offer me any kind of emotional assistance. But God has a funny way of helping us out when we need it and giving us guidance and direction from where we least expect it. I am staying open and accepting this person as they are RIGHT NOW, and not from the villified role they have played in my past.

Do we see a theme here? A theme of letting go? LETTING GO OF CRAP THAT NO LONGER SERVES ME!

Hmmm, maybe that is my first step, letting go of the mindsets that no longer serve. Especially the little voices that tell me I am bad and wrong and unworthy and unloveable.

Fuck those voices.

Ooh, that felt good.

FUCK THEM,

Gabbi